Translation from Aburt-speak to English of selected portions of his SFWA presidential platform[1]

Burt’s campaign posters

cf. Dr. Andrew Burt for SFWA President. See also A Gut Check Moment for SFWA.

Greetings gentlebeings!

I am embarrassingly out of touch with modern culture.

As I indicated last year, my hat is in the ring for SFWA President.

I am oblivious to the number of people who renewed their memberships to write in votes against me last year and to the number of people who’ve resigned since I was elected VP.

SFWA is a multi-headed beast doing much excellent work, but sometimes one head gets overshadowed and needs tending.

My head has swollen to such proportions that it overshadows everyone else’s.

Currently it’s in those realms of protecting authors’ interests that I see the need to strengthen SFWA.

I fancy myself a professional author. If I make a fuss about my intellectual property, others might agree with me.

The recent WGA strike shows the writing world is changing.

SFWA will never be as organized or influential as the WGA, but the WGA won’t let me into their green room.

Beyond that there is a new dimension to protecting authors’ interests that has arisen with the digital age and in which SFWA is lagging.

SFWA shut down my silly piracy detection software project.

We need to think ahead of the curve on matters digital, both in protecting authors from accidental or intentional injury resulting from ignorance or inattention, and also in finding innovative ways to exploit digital rights for our profit.

I have been wandering around this digital landscape, bumping into things and annoying the local citizenry. I just know there’s oil here somewhere.

I have a track record as a problem solver and in handling unexpected situations calmly.

I am the instigator of flame wars unprecedented even in SFWA’s long and contentious history. If someone disagrees with me, I quickly resort to personal attacks and attempt to bolster my credibility with specious publication credits and irrelevant remarks about my education. If I appear to be losing the argument, I will pick up my ball and go home.

I work by trying to gain consensus, not by dictatorial fiat.

I act on my unilateral decisions and ask forgiveness only if people notice what I was doing.

I make a habit of seeking input from across every spectrum of beliefs.

I exist within a government-issue reality distortion field.

I intend to get various stalled projects back on track.

If everyone is finished whining about how awful I am, I’d like to get back to the business of running SFWA into the ground.

My history is one of projects that come in on time and on budget so I have no worries in this regard.

My project history in SFWA doesn’t bear inspection, but I’m not worried because no one can make sense of the books anyway.

One vital aspect of SFWA is its social structure, and I would like to strengthen that.

By becoming president of SFWA, I would provide the membership with an unprecedented basis for unification.

We have an unfortunate reputation as having a toxic culture.

I have an undeserved reputation for poisoning groups of which I am a member.

Speaking of the devil, I ask that we all keep things courteous for this election.

I don’t understand why people on the internet are so mean to me, but I fully expect that my patronizing approach will bring them to their senses.

Some problems have been caused in the past by incorrect information being spread too rapidly, so if you have questions or concerns, I would suggest asking me about them before posting all over the place; misunderstandings don’t help SFWA.

Some problems have been caused in the past by people talking about me without getting their remarks vetted first. That kind of thing needs to stop.

I will focus on external matters that benefit working writers: I will place matters of internal organization second except where critical.

I will ignore dissenting voices.

I won’t tinker with the Nebulas.

I will ignore the one aspect of SFWA’s brokenness that is apparent to the reading public.

If elected I likely won’t have time to post as profusely on sff.net as I have in the past (to the relief of some). Rather, I will keep members fully informed of what the Board is doing and solicit your input, because I believe transparency and member input are critical for a healthy organization.

I will distract you with hand-waving while the rest of my activities go unreported.

By way of executive experience, over the past twenty years I’ve been CEO of a number of successful companies and organizations, including many larger than SFWA, and responsible for assets ranging into the hundreds of millions of dollars.

Having been drummed out of these organizations, I have the free time to make a pest of myself here.

My Ph.D. is in Mathematics and Computer Science, with my primary research areas being networking and security.

I rely on simple substring matches to justify my DMCA takedown notices.

I realize my writing portfolio is not as extensive as Stephen King’s, with sales of several dozen short stories and one novel.

I do not understand why no one but my friends and my own company will publish my work.

Moreover, I believe my “SFWA credentials” are among the strongest in the organization.

I have no idea what it means to be a professional writer.

I’ve chaired and been active on a slew of SFWA committees.

I’ve driven a number of people to resign their positions on the Board and several committees. I’ve refused to resign my position despite pressure from the membership, and I will not abstain from voting when I have a clear conflict of interest.

History shows I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is to stand up for your rights.

History shows I’ll play shell games with your money and trample your rights.

Thanks for your support!

I am high as a kite.

¹ With apologies to John Gruber for borrowing his shtick.