The award for the funniest damn thing I’ve read all week goes to the Dear anonymous, homicidal, self-loathing protagonist thread at the NaNoWriMo forums, where stressed-out authors berate their protagonists for being boring, self-centered, or just there.
“On second thought, I just hope you explode.”
“…if you don’t stop taking this so well, I’m going to have to bring out the big guns.”
“You’re a witch/vampire in a fantasy novel, you twit, cast spells or bite people.”
“I killed you off ages ago. Please go away.”
“NOW you decide you need a subplot? Spotlight-stealing hag.”
“Look, if you sleep with her before the end of the novel, I’ll be forced to hit her with a bus. And I like her, and would rather not hit her with a bus. So cut me some slack here.”
“And what the hell happened with Lisa? I really need to know, because I suspect that’s what the entire plot hinges on.”
“Why, oh why, oh why did you change into a girl?”
“You are not Gandalf. Knock it off.”
“I will soon introduce a character older and sexier than you, who will steal your man away.”
“Please leave me some hints somewhere, buddy, because otherwise I’m going to fall on my face trying to cover for you.”
“Get lost; I’ll talk to you in December.”
